>> PREVIOUSLY ON "NIP/TUCK"...
>> LOOK WHAT I MADE YOU.
IT´S A SEAN BEAR!
IT´S MY HOBBY. I MAKE TEDDIES.
>> HI, SEAN. WE´RE C.A.A.
>> WHO?
>> CREATIVE ARTISTS AGENCY.
>> YOU´LL NOT TAKE AWAY MY SEAN.
>> YOU WANT MORE OF THE TRUTH?
I AM GOING BACK INTO PORN.
>> WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
>> MAYBE WITH YOU.
>> OK. SO, THIS YOU ARE GOING TO
LOVE. YOU-KNOW-WHO BUSTED HER
TIGHT LITTLE TUCHAS AND GOT YOU
BOOKED AS A JUDGE ON THE MISS
TEEN U.S.A. PAGEANT. SO, WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THAT, DR. SEXY?
>> AND WHY WOULD MY CLIENT BE
INTERESTED IN JUDGING A BUNCH OF
DOUBLE-DIGIT I.Q. ADOLESCENTS
WITH BULIMIA BREATH AND TACKY
BATHING SUITS?
>> UM, BECAUSE IT BEATS HAVING
LUNCH WITH A MENOPAUSAL AGENT
WITH CHARDONNAY BREATH AND
AN ILL-FITTING ENSEMBLE FROM
CHICO´S.
>> BLISS, COLLEEN´S JUST LOOKING
AFTER MY REPUTATION. THERE´S NO
NEED TO ATTACK HER PERSONALLY.
>> SEAN, DON´T WORRY ABOUT ME.
THIS MAMA LION COULD EAT YOUR
LITTLE PUSSYCAT PUBLICIST FOR
BRUNCH, IF SHE WANTED TO.
NOW, I JUST NABBED A VERY CLASSY
COMMERCIAL FOR YOU, COOKIE.
NATIONAL SPOKESPERSON FOR
THE NEW SIZZLER´S HEART SAVVY
SALAD BAR CAMPAIGN.
>> I´M SORRY. DID SHE REALLY
JUST SUGGEST YOU DO COMMERCIALS
FOR THE GERIATRIC COMMUNITY?
>> YEAH. THAT´S NOT THE KIND OF
THING I´M LOOKING FOR, EITHER.
>> SEAN, OUR 10:00´S IN MY
OFFICE. GEE. LOOKS LIKE
THE STAR-MAKING MACHINERY´S
WORKING A DOUBLE SHIFT IN HERE.
>> I NEED YOU TO DO THE CONSULT
WITHOUT ME. WE GOT SIDETRACKED.
>> YEAH. SIDETRACKED BY
GRANDMA´S FANTASIES OF
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFETS.
>> BY THE WAY, COLLEEN, DID YOU
THINK ABOUT WHAT I ASKED?
ANY NEW SHOWS LOOKING FOR
A MEDICAL ADVISOR WHO, UH,
CAN ACT? MIGHT AS WELL BE
GETTING 2 COMMISSIONS INSTEAD OF
JUST ONE, HUH?
>> CHRISTIAN, I LIKE YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT] SO I´M NOT GOING
TO SELL YOU A LINE OF BULLSHIT.
>> [SIGHS]
>> I TOOK A LOOK AT THE FIRST
EPISODE OF "HEARTS AND
SCALPELS," SPECIFICALLY YOUR
OUTTAKES.
ACTING ISN´T YOUR THING, HONEY.
I MEAN, SEAN, NOW, HAS A GIFT.
HE´S WHAT WE CALL A NATURAL.
BUT I JUST DON´T HAVE THE TIME
TO TRY AND BUILD A CAREER FOR
SOMEONE WHO IS UNTRAINED AND...
UNTALENTED.
>> COLLEEN.
>> WELL, IT´S TRUE.
I´M SORRY, HONEY.
>> [CLEARS THROAT]
>> WELL, THAT WAS NICE, COLLEEN.
THAT´S GOOD WORK. YOU KNOW, JUST
GET HIM A GIFT CERTIFICATE FROM
BURKE WILLIAMS. IT ALWAYS MAKES
ME FEEL BETTER.
[DOOR SHUTS]
>> [PANTS]
>> LULU GRANDIRON.
>> DR. CHRISTIAN TROY. SORRY TO
KEEP YOU WAITING.
>> YOUR PARTNER´S JOINING US AS
WELL, CORRECT?
>> [EXHALES] ACTUALLY, MY
PARTNER IS OVERWHELMED WITH
HIS OTHER CAREER RIGHT NOW.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, I´M HERE,
AND YOU´RE MY ONLY PRIORITY.
SO, TELL ME WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE
ABOUT YOURSELF, MS. GRANDIRON.
>> CALL ME LULU, AND I´M NOT
HERE TO BE INTERVIEWED,
DR. TROY. I´M HERE TO INTERVIEW
YOU. I ASSUME YOU´VE HEARD OF
DR. WILLIAM HAMMERMAN?
>> PLASTIC SURGEON, SPECIALIZES
IN SOCIETY TYPES.
>> WOULDN´T YOU LIKE TO BE ON
THE SOCIETY PAGE, DR. TROY?
SURGEON TO THE CREME DE LA
CREME?
>> [SCOFFS]
I DON´T KNOW WHERE YOU´RE
GETTING YOUR INFORMATION, BUT
I´M NOT HURTING FOR BUSINESS.
>> DARLING, I´M NOT TALKING
ABOUT ALL THOSE DREARY LITTLE
STARLETS. I´M OFFERING YOU
A SHOT AT THE TRUE ELITE IN
THIS TOWN. WE´RE THE ONES WHO
PUT ALL THOSE NERDY BOYS IN
POWER, TAUGHT THEM EVERYTHING
THEY KNOW, AND THEN DIVORCED
THEM AND TOOK ALL THEIR MONEY.
>> [SCOFFS]
BACK UP A SECOND. WHAT DO YOU
MEAN--OFFERING ME A SHOT?
>> HAMMERMAN IS RETIRING.
MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I NEED A NEW
PLASTIC SURGEON. WE´VE BEEN...
INTERVIEWING CANDIDATES, AND WE
WANT YOU TO COME TO A DINNER
PARTY SO WE CAN GET TO KNOW YOU.
SATURDAY AT 9:00.
BLACK TIE.
>> I´M A PLASTIC SURGEON, NOT
A GIGOLO, AND I´M NOT LOOKING TO
BE PICKED OVER BY A PACK OF
BITTER DIVORCEES.
>> BITTER? [LAUGHS]
QUITE THE OPPOSITE. WE HAVE IT
ALL--EXPERIENCE, NO ONE TO
ANSWER TO, AND ALL THAT MONEY.
WE´LL SET A PLACE FOR YOU, JUST
IN CASE YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES.
[DOOR SHUTS]
>> ♫ AHH ♫
♫ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♫
♫ MAKE ME,
THE PERFECT SOUL
A PERFECT MIND,
A PERFECT FACE,
A PERFECT
LIE ♫
>> THERE ARE 7 SIGNS OF
THE APOCALYPSE, RIGHT? NOT 2.
>> YOU 2 SOME SORT OF COUPLE
NOW?
>> MORE LIKE A TEAM.
>> WHEN SHE AND RAM SAW
THE VIDEO I MADE WITH AIDAN,
THEY OFFERED ME A DEAL AT
PENETRATE.
>> TO DO PORN. NICE.
>> EDEN IS ONE OF THE MOST
NATURAL TALENTS I´VE SEEN IN
A LONG TIME--WELL, SINCE MYSELF.
AND WE JUST HAD TO SNATCH
HER UP.
>> YOU MEAN, SUCK HER INTO THAT
DEEP HOLE OF WHOREDOM WHERE YOU
SPENT MOST OF YOUR MISERABLE
LIFE?
>> WE DIDN´T COME HERE FOR YOUR
APPROVAL. WE NEED YOUR HELP.
>> WELL, SINCE YOU´VE COME TO
THE WIZARD, I´M SORRY TO SAY
THAT WE HAVE NO MORE BRAINS
LEFT. OR HEARTS.
>> JESUS. WHAT HAPPENED?
[GLASSES CLICK]
>> I WAS FILMING MY FIRST SEX
SCENE WITH KIMBER, AND SHE HIT
ME.
>> BUT IT WAS BRILLIANT.
[NEW WAVE MUSIC PLAYING]
>> WE´RE SHOOTING MY NEW FILM
"INSIDE KIMBER HENRY"--IT´S VERY
ARTY. IT´S ALL ABOUT
SELF-EXPLORATION. AND SINCE
RAM´S TAKEN OVER MY CAREER, HE´S
ONLY ALLOWING ME TO DO SEX
SCENES WITH WOMEN NOW.
AND THIS WAS SORT OF AN HOMAGE
TO THE YOUNGER ME, WHEN I WAS
A VIRGIN.
>> ♫ ALL THE--[INDISTINCT]
AID MY MEMORIES,
GOT ME RUINING MY SUIT ♫
>> THE SCENE CALLED FOR ME TO
MAKE LOVE TO A YOUNGER KIMBER TO
EXPRESS MY FORGIVENESS OF ALL OF
HER YOUTHFUL INDISCRETIONS.
>> ♫ ALL THE--[INDISTINCT]
AID MY MEMORIES ♫
>> EDEN WAS TREMENDOUS. SO,
WE´RE BOTH CLIMAXING, RIGHT?
WHERE OUT OF NOWHERE, SHE
YELLS--
>> HIT ME.
>> ♫ WHAT I SHOWED YOU... ♫
>> HIT ME.
I´M A LITTLE WHORE, AND YOU NEED
TO HIT ME.
[GRUNTS]
I AD LIBBED A LITTLE. I WANTED
SOMETHING MEMORABLE FOR MY FIRST
FILM.
>> AND SADOMASOCHISM CAME TO
MIND?
>> IT´S THE ONLY WAY TO BECOME
A STAR NOWADAYS. I MEAN, YOU GOT
TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION.
>> I´M GOING TO TAKE A LOOK.
>> WHAT´S THERE TO LOOK AT,
SEAN? I WOULDN´T FIX IT. MAYBE
IT WILL KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO
HER.
>> WELL, GUESS WHAT, CHRISTIAN?
WE DON´T WANT YOU TO FIX IT.
SEAN´S THE MARQUEE TALENT AT
McNAMARA/TROY, AND STARS FLOCK
TO STARS.
CELEBRITY IS A CLUB, AND IT´S
ONE YOU HAVEN´T BEEN INVITED TO
JOIN. AND YOU KNOW, I FEEL BAD
FOR YOU, BABY, I REALLY DO,
BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD ANY REAL
TALENT, AND YOUR ONLY STRENGTH
WAS YOUR OWN STAR POWER. AND HOW
DISAPPOINTING IT MUST BE FOR YOU
TO REALIZE THAT IT´S FLICKERING
AT SUCH A DIM WATTAGE.
>> YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON´T NEED
TO LISTEN TO THE OPINION...
OF WHORES AND PORN STARS.
>> TRY BUSINESSWOMAN, JUGGLING
A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AND
MOTHERHOOD. AND YOUR
GRANDDAUGHTER IS DOING FABULOUS,
BY THE WAY, GRANDPY. IT WAS SO
CUTE YESTERDAY. SHE SAID HER
FIRST WORD, RAM.
>> [SCOFFS]
DESPITE POPULAR OPINION, I
ACTUALLY WORK WITH THE HOLLYWOOD
ELITE, AND I AM IN GREAT DEMAND.
SEAN, YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT.
>> YOU FRACTURED YOUR EYE
SOCKET.
[DOOR OPENS]
>> IT´S DELICATE WORK.
[DOOR SHUTS]
>> THAT´S WHY I CAME TO YOU.
YOU HAVE JUST THE RIGHT TOUCH.
>> AND I´LL PAY, OF COURSE. I
JUST FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS.
SO, COULD YOU HELP US, SEAN?
[MONITOR BEEPING]
>> HOW YOU FEELING?
>> SCARED, ACTUALLY.
I ALWAYS THINK I´M GOING TO GO
TO SLEEP, THEY´LL PUT ME UNDER,
AND I´LL NEVER WAKE UP.
>> OH, NOT ON MY WATCH.
WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THIS,
YOU´RE NOT EVEN GOING TO
REMEMBER WHEN YOU STARTED TO
DRIFT OFF.
>> I USED TO HAVE A TERRIBLE
TIME FALLING ASLEEP, FOR
THE SAME REASON--
THE FEAR OF NEVER WAKING UP.
MAYBE I JUST NEVER KNEW WHAT I
WAS WAKING UP FOR.
>> LOOK, WHEN THIS IS OVER...
MAYBE IT WILL GIVE YOU A CHANCE
TO SORT OF RETHINK THINGS,
MAKE SOME BETTER CHOICES.
>> WILL YOU HELP ME, SEAN?
I KEEP GETTING MYSELF INVOLVED
IN THESE THINGS THAT...I DON´T
KNOW. YOU´RE THE ONLY ONE WHO
STILL CARES ABOUT ME. YOU
SHOULDN´T, AFTER ALL I´VE DONE,
BUT YOU DO. DON´T YOU?
>> I CARE ABOUT YOU GETTING
BETTER.
>> WILL YOU KISS ME?
JUST TO CALM ME DOWN.
>> AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS, WHEN
YOU´VE HEALED, WE CAN TALK ABOUT
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
>> SEAN, I DON´T HAVE A COUPLE
OF WEEKS. RAM HAS ME DOING
ANOTHER MOVIE IN 6 DAYS.
>> YOU´RE NOT DOING ANOTHER
MOVIE FOR THAT SMUT-PEDDLER.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO CHANGE.
>> I DO, BUT I DON´T HAVE
A CHOICE. I SIGNED A CONTRACT,
SEAN. HE OWNS ME. THAT´S WHY YOU
HAVE TO HELP ME.
>> I´LL FIX YOUR FACE, EDEN,
BUT THAT´S ALL I CAN DO.
>> OK.
COUNT BACK FROM 10 FOR ME.
[TANK HISSING]
>> 10. 9.
8...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
>> NICE PUSSY.
>> ♫ WHEN GOD APPEARED
BEFORE ME,
I WAS DROWNING IN MY POOL ♫
>> DR. TROY, COME MEET
THE LADIES.
>> ♫ HE SAID A LIFE OF
TEDIOUS... ♫
>> MARLA MIDDLETON.
>> NEWLY DIVORCED FROM MY THIRD.
>> CATHERINE WICKE.
>> STILL MARRIED, BUT
MULTI-ORGASMIC.
>> ANNETTE WAINWRIGHT.
MY HUSBAND DIED LAST YEAR IN
A SKIING ACCIDENT. BOO-HOO.
>> AND THIS IS DR. KAY.
DR. CASHMAN.
>> HELLO.
>> ♫ WAS HANGING,
BUT HE WOULDN´T CUT NO SLACK ♫
>> AND THE BERKOWITZ TWINS,
DR. JOSEPH AND DR. MICHAEL.
>> I´M DR. MICHAEL. HELLO.
>> AND I´M DR. JOSEPH. GOOD
EVENING.
>> ♫ I´M THE JAZZ DEVIL,
LIBIDO NEEDY,
I´M THE JAZZ DEVIL... ♫
>> SHALL WE DINE?
>> ♫ FLYMEAT IN THE MIX,
WHERE YOU CAN CALL ME
AGENT 00666, YEAH ♫
>> YOU LADIES SEEM VERY CLOSE.
>> WE ARE. I MEAN, I--
I´VE KNOWN ANNETTE SINCE SHE WAS
AN "A" CUP.
>> [LAUGHTER]
>> LAST YEAR, WHEN I HAD MY
VAGINA TIGHTENED, IT WAS MY
GIRLS HERE WHO PULLED ME
THROUGH.
>> AWW.
>> IT WAS THAT DAMN HAITIAN POOL
BOY WHO DID ME IN.
>> [LAUGHTER]
>> JEEZ. THIS REMINDS ME OF
MY LAST HUSBAND.
>> [LAUGHS] THE ONE SHE
NICKNAMED "IS IT IN YET?"
>> [LAUGHTER]
>> I´M SORRY. I--I DON´T GET IT.
>> WAIT A MINUTE. LULU, WEREN´T
WE SUPPOSED TO GET THAT ONE FROM
THE TV SHOW?
>> BUSY.
>> WELL, SCREW HIM, THEN, FOR
NOT SHOWING. YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS
A SHOW? US.
>> I´LL DRINK TO THAT.
AND TO LOU VUITTON SHOES AND...
PERCOCET.
>> [LAUGHTER]
>> I MEAN, SHIT. WE SHOP AND WE
SCREW, AND WE SCREW AND WE SHOP.
WHO WOULDN´T WATCH THAT SHOW?
>> ANNETTE, HAVE YOU LOST
WEIGHT?
>> DOWN 5. I HAVEN´T HAD A CARB
SINCE ´87.
>> SUCH DISCIPLINE. OK.
LET´S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
BOYS, TICKLE OUR FANCY WITH YOUR
CREDENTIALS.
>> WE GRADUATED FIRST...
>> AND SECOND...
>> IN OUR CLASS AT HARVARD.
>> BUT WE´LL NEVER TELL WHICH OF
US FINISHED WHERE.
>> NEVER.
>> I WENT TO BROWN.
>> DR. TROY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
>> WELL, I´VE NEVER SEEN
AN S.A.T. SCORE PERFORM
A PERFECT FEATHER LIFT.
FRANKLY, I DIDN´T GO TO MY OWN
GRADUATION. I WAS TOO BUSY
SPRAYING MY POPULATION PASTE ALL
OVER THE U. OF M. CHEERLEADING
SQUAD.
>> SOME RESUME. YOUR PARENTS
MUST BE SO PROUD.
>> YOU WANT TO SEE MY RESUME,
STRETCH?
[CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR]
>> [CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
[PLATE CLINKS]
>> [EXHALES]
IT TAKES 2 THINGS TO MAKE
A GREAT SURGEON--
STEADY HANDS...
AND A MONSTER ONE OF THESE.
THE BIGGER THE COCK, THE GREATER
THE CONFIDENCE. THE GREATER
THE CONFIDENCE, THE BETTER
THE SURGEON. THIS DINNER IS
A PISSING CONTEST, AND YOU
LADIES HAVE ALL THE POWER AND
ALL THE MONEY. YOU´VE INVITED US
HERE TONIGHT TO ENTERTAIN YOU.
SO, I´M CUTTING STRAIGHT TO
THE CHASE.
ANY OF YOU BOYS THINK YOU CAN...
TRUMP MY ACE OF CLUBS?
>> [CLEARS THROAT]
[DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGS]
>> I WANTED YOUR NEXT FILM TO BE
SET IN THE 18th CENTURY. I JUST
THINK IT´S GOING TO BE MORE
ROMANTIC THAT WAY. WHAT DO YOU
THINK?
>> [SIGHS] I´M PLAYING A MAID IN
A WHOREHOUSE.
>> BUT YOU´RE THE UNDERDOG, AND
THE AUDIENCE IS GOING TO ROOT
FOR YOU. BESIDES, YOU´LL BECOME
THE HOUSE MADAM IN THE END.
>> [SCOFFS] YEAH, AFTER
A BUKAKKE SCENE WHERE A DOZEN
MEN STAND AROUND ME AND SPOOGE
IN MY FACE. UGH! THAT´S GROSS.
FORGET IT.
>> HEY!
>> I´M NOT DOING THIS.
>> HEY. SHOW A LITTLE GODDAMN
GRATITUDE. I WORKED ALL NIGHT ON
THIS.
>> EDEN.
SWEETIE.
KIMBER AND I HAVE BOTH BEEN
AROUND THIS BUSINESS A LOT
LONGER THAN YOU HAVE, AND
FRANKLY, SWEETHEART, YOU NEED TO
PAY YOUR DUES.
>> [SCOFFS] I PAID MY DUES
ALREADY, AND I WON´T BE DEGRADED
LIKE THAT AGAIN, NOT IF YOU WANT
ME TO BE THE STAR.
>> STAR?
DARLING, YOU´RE NOT EVEN A WET
SPOT IN THE PORN INDUSTRY. I´M
THE STAR. I´VE DONE OVER
50 FILMS. AND IF YOU WANT EVEN
HALF OF WHAT I HAVE, YOU´RE
GOING TO HAVE TO SHOW ME SOME
RESPECT.
>> HMM. [CHUCKLES]
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
FIRST OF ALL--[SCOFFS]
YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE
DILIGENT WITH THE MOISTURIZER.
AND SECONDLY, YOU WANT WHAT I´VE
GOT, BUT YOU´LL NEVER BE
18 AGAIN, NOW, WILL YOU?
I MAY BE NEW AT THIS, BUT EVEN I
KNOW THAT IT´S YOUTH THAT SELLS
PORN, NOT NOSTALGIA.
>> I´LL LOOK AT THE SCRIPT.
>> UNLESS YOU´RE FAMILY, WE
DON´T ALLOW VISITORS SO SOON
AFTER SURGERY. LEAVE, NOW.
>> SEAN.
WE WERE DISCUSSING BUSINESS.
>> DR. McNAMARA. RAM PETERS.
DOCTOR, YOU DID A FANTASTIC JOB
ON MY LITTLE GIRL HERE.
WHEN DO YOU THINK SHE´LL BE
CAMERA-READY?
>> LET´S DISCUSS THAT IN
PRIVATE.
>> [SIGHS]
DON´T YOU EVER CROSS ME AGAIN,
BABY GIRL. YOU´LL REGRET IT.
>> WHAT I WANT TO KNOW FROM YOU
IS WHAT WOULD YOU NEED TO BREAK
HER CONTRACT?
>> I DON´T BREAK CONTRACTS,
DOCTOR, NOT WITH ANY OF MY
GIRLS--EVER.
>> HOW MUCH?
>> [SCOFFS]
[LAUGHS]
WHY, DR. McNAMARA.
YOU CAD.
>> 10,000? 20?
>> I TELL YOU WHAT--I GOT
A BETTER IDEA.
I HAVE A LARGE STABLE OF WOMEN
OVER 50 UNDER CONTRACT AS WELL.
THEY´RE NOT THE TOP TALENT AT
PENETRATE, BUT THEY BRING IN
THE MOST RETURNS.
EDDIE, BOY!
GUYS LIKE TO SEE OLD GALS
POUNDED HARD. GUILT TITLES SELL
LIKE WILDFIRE.
FIX THAT, RIGHT?
BECAUSE OF THEIR AGE, I PAY THEM
A TENTH OF WHAT A 20-YEAR-OLD
WOULD MAKE. I CAN WORK THEM
TWICE AS HARD. THEY LOVE IT.
I´M FINDING THERE´S A SOLID
NICHE MARKET FOR OLDER WOMEN,
BUT IT´S HARD TO FIND ONES THAT
KEEP THEMSELVES IN SHAPE AT THAT
AGE AND ARE STILL WILLING TO DO
FILMS.
>> ♫ WHAT A CUTIE PIE ♫
>> GOOD WORK TODAY.
SO, YOU HELP ME TRIM THE FAT,
SO TO SPEAK, GET A COUPLE OF MY
OLDER GIRLS IN SHAPE, EDEN´S
FREE TO GO.
>> FINE. 4 GRANNIES--IMPLANTS,
LIPO. THAT´S IT. DEAL?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
>> I SURE HOPE SHE´S WORTH IT.
>> TELL ME WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE
ABOUT YOURSELF.
>> [PANTING]
>> I THINK YOU´RE PERFECT.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> YOU COULD USE SOME MICROLIPO
ON YOUR THIGHS.
[MACHINE SUCKING LIQUID]
>> MAYBE, UH--MAYBE AN ASS
IMPLANT.
>> SOCK IT TO ME, DOC.
SOCK IT TO ME, DOC, TO ME.
WHOA. OOH!
AAH! AHH!
>> ♫ COMIN´ FOR ME,
AND I DON´T KNOW
HOW THEY DO IT... ♫
>> YOU HAVE THE TITS OF
A 30-YEAR-OLD.
MAYBE YOU COULD GO UP TO
A DOUBLE "D," GIVE YOU THAT
FIRMNESS BACK.
>> THAT WAS THE BREAST-FEEDING.
HEY, WANT TO NURSE ME, PRETTY
BOY?
>> ♫ JUST 10 YEARS OLD,
I GOT IT FROM SOME KITTY
NEXT DOOR,
I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR,
AND HE GAVE ME THE CURE... ♫
>> [WOMAN GROANS AND PANTS]
OOH.
>> YOU NEED AN EYE JOB AND
A NECK LIFT.
>> MM-HMM.
>> MAYBE SOME BOTOX.
>> IS THAT ALL?
>> YOU WANT MORE?
>> UH-UH.
>> [TED NUGENT SCREAMS
INDISTINCTLY]
MEOW!
>> I DIDN´T BECOME PLASTIC
SURGEON TO THE RICHEST WOMAN IN
L.A. TO BE STUCK ON AN ASSEMBLY
LINE OF MIDDLE-AGED TITS AND
ASS. YOU´RE SUPPOSED TO HOOK ME
UP, GIVE ME THE KEYS TO
THE KINGDOM. [SIGHS]
WHAT AN IDIOT. JESUS. IF ANY
CELEBRITY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT
WHERE THE FIRST WIVES´ CLUB GET
THEIR FACES DONE--YOU AND YOUR
PACK WILL HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY
ELSE TO BE AT YOUR BECK AND
CALL.
>> I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
THERE´S CERTAINLY NOTHING
GLAMOROUS ABOUT AN ASSEMBLY LINE
OF MIDDLE AGED TITS AND ASS.
WHAT YOU NEED IS A SURGERY THAT
WILL SET YOU APART, GIVE YOU
THE ATTENTION YOU DESERVE AS
A DOCTOR AND AS AN ARTIST.
>> [SIGHS] IT´S A GOOD START.
>> I´VE HAD A CHANCE TO WATCH
YOU WORK, DR. TROY, AND I´VE
SEEN THE RESULTS.
YOU´RE REALLY NO DIFFERENT THAN
A SCULPTOR, CHISELING AWAY AT
THE HUMAN FORM, MANIPULATING
TISSUE AND BONE. PLEASE, DON´T
EVER DENIGRATE YOURSELF. YOU´RE
NOT JUST A PLASTIC SURGEON.
YOU´RE A MODERN-DAY
MICHELANGELO.
>> [CHUCKLES]
I WOULDN´T GO THAT FAR. RODIN,
MAYBE. [SIGHS]
I´M GLAD THAT YOU UNDERSTAND.
>> OF COURSE I DO.
THAT´S WHY I SAVED MYSELF FOR
LAST. I AM THE CANVAS UPON WHICH
YOU CAN TRULY EXPRESS YOURSELF.
>> AND HOW EXACTLY WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE EXPRESSED?
>> [INHALES]
I WANT MY FACE TO REFLECT
THE DUALITY OF MY NATURE,
MY...
SENSUOUS ANIMAL SPIRIT. THE...
SACRED FELINE ESSENCE WITHIN.
>> YOU WANT A SOFTER, MORE
SENSUAL LOOK?
>> DID YOU KNOW THAT
THE EGYPTIANS BELIEVED THAT
THE CAT WAS ENDOWED WITH
THE LIGHT OF HUMAN
CONSCIOUSNESS? THEY BELIEVE THAT
THE SOULS WHO HAD DIED ENTERED
INTO THE CAT, GIVING IT ITS
POWERFUL RADIANCE. I WANT YOU...
TO BRING ME CLOSER TO THAT
RADIANCE.
>> YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU LOOK
LIKE A CAT.
>> DON´T BE RIDICULOUS.
I´M NOT INSANE.
>> [CHUCKLES] THAT´S A RELIEF.
WHISKERS AND TAILS ARE REALLY
NOT MY SPECIALTY.
>> WELL, MAYBE I WAS WRONG ABOUT
YOU. I THOUGHT, AS AN ARTIST,
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND A WAY
TO ACCENTUATE MY MORE FELINE
CHARACTERISTICS, TO SUGGEST ITS
FORM WITHIN MINE.
>> WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT THIS
DONE?
>> IF I CAN NO LONGER BE YOUNG,
I WANT MY FACE TO REFLECT ALL
THE WISDOM AND POWER IN ME.
WE´RE EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE
LIVING ORDINARY LIVES, YOU AND
I, BECAUSE NO ONE SEES US, NO
ONE REALLY KNOWS WHO WE ARE.
YOU´RE AN ARTIST, NOT
A MECHANIC.
I´M OFFERING YOU A CHANCE TO
PROVE IT.
[DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGS]
>> ♫ TAKE, TAKE
ALL THAT I AM,
TAKE... ♫
>> HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
>> IF I SAY I FEEL LIKE CRAP,
WILL YOU LET ME STAY HERE
LONGER? I CAN´T DO ANOTHER PORN,
SEAN.
>> YOU DON´T HAVE TO.
THIS IS YOUR CONTRACT WITH
PENETRATE. TEAR IT UP.
>> ♫ TAKE... ♫
>> [SCOFFS] DID YOU STEAL THIS?
>> NO. I JUST TALKED TO RAM, AND
HE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU
I DO--THAT YOU DON´T BELONG IN
THAT BUSINESS.
>> [EXHALES] SEAN!
IS THIS YOUR WAY OF SAYING YOU
LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU?
>> IT DOESN´T MATTER HOW I FEEL.
THIS CAN´T HAPPEN. NO ONE WOULD
ALLOW IT.
YOU´RE 18. I´M OLD ENOUGH TO BE
YOUR FATHER. OUR FAMILIES WOULD
HATE US, AND BUSINESS WOULD TAKE
A DIVE. WE´D BE PARIAHS.
>> I DON´T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY
OF THAT. I DON´T. I DON´T CARE.
>> ♫ LOVE ME,
LOVE ME ♫
>> ♫ WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, OH,
WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT,
I´VE GOT FLOWERS
AND LOTS OF HOURS
TO SPEND WITH YOU,
SO, GO AND POWDER
YOUR CUTE LITTLE PUSSYCAT NOSE,
PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT,
I LOVE YOU,
YES, I DO,
YOU AND YOUR PUSSYCAT NOSE,
WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, OH,
WHAT´S NEW, PUSSYCAT?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT,
YOU´RE SO THRILLING,
AND I´M SO WILLING
TO CARE FOR YOU... ♫
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> MAKING MY CLIENT HAPPY.
>> BY TURNING HER INTO GARFIELD?
>> NO. I´M BRINGING OUT HER TRUE
SELF. NOSE JOBS, TIT JOBS, TUMMY
TUCKS--THEY´RE ALL THE WORK OF
A SIMPLE CRAFTSMAN, WHICH IS WHY
SEAN IS SO GOOD AT THEM. WHAT I
AM DOING TO THIS WOMAN IS ART.
>> WHAT YOU´RE DOING IS
BARBARIC. BY THE TIME YOU´RE
DONE WITH HER, SHE´S GOING TO
LOOK LIKE THE SIDE OF A HELLO
KITTY LUNCHBOX.
>> WHY IS WANTING TO LOOK LIKE
A GLAMOROUS PUMA ANY MORE
STRANGE THAN WANTING TO LOOK
LIKE PAMELA ANDERSON OR
ANGELINA JOLIE? IT´S ALL
IDOLATRY, LIZ.
>> THIS SURGERY IS NUTS.
I´M OUT.
>> GREAT. GO ROLL YOUR EYES AT
THE GODDAMN GOLF COURSE FOR ALL
I CARE. [SIGHS]
LOOK, STOP PANICKING, LIZ. SHE´S
NOT GOING TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE
A CAT. SHE´S JUST GOING TO HAVE
A FELINE ESSENCE.
>> OH. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT
LINE, OUT OF HER LITTER BOX?
>> DON´T MOCK WHAT YOU DON´T
UNDERSTAND.
>> OH, I UNDERSTAND THIS. THERE
IS GOING TO BE A STORM OF SHIT
AROUND THIS, AND I´LL TELL YOU
RIGHT NOW, I AM NOT GOING TO GET
CAUGHT IN THE RAIN.
>> ♫ LIPS ♫
>> ♫ WHOA, WHOA ♫
>> ♫ YOU AND YOUR PUSSYCAT
EYES ♫
>> ♫ WHOA, WHOA ♫
>> ♫ YOU AND YOUR PUSSYCAT... ♫
>> YOU A DOG PERSON, TOO?
>> ♫ NOSE ♫
>> [SIGHS] WHERE ARE YOU, CHAZ?
PICK UP. LOOK, I NEED YOU TO
BRING ME SOME NEW MAGAZINES, MY
MAKEUP, AND SOME GOOD COKE.
[CHUCKLES] CALL ME BACK, OK?
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
>> HELLO, EDEN.
>> [EXHALES] JESUS. YOU SCARED
ME.
>> SORRY.
>> DO I KNOW YOU?
>> WELL, NOT TECHNICALLY, BUT
WE´RE KIND OF IN THE SAME
FAMILY. I´M COLLEEN ROSE, SEAN´S
AGENT.
>> WHERE´S SEAN?
>> BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT. I
THOUGHT YOU COULD USE A SPECIAL
LOVE-YOURSELF EDEN BEAR.
[CHUCKLES] MAYBE A SYMPATHETIC
EAR. I MAKE THESE FOR PEOPLE.
LISTEN.
>> [SQUEAKING] I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
>> [GIGGLES]
>> OK, THAT´S CREEPY, AND SO ARE
YOU. LOOK. I DON´T NEED YOU TO
MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. WHAT I NEED
ARE SOME MORE PAINKILLERS.
>> I WAS LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW.
HAD ALL THE BOYS EATING OUT OF
MY HAND, AND THE ONLY ONE THAT
I WANTED WAS THE ONE I COULDN´T
HAVE.
>> [SCOFFS] EXCUSE ME?
>> WHEN YOU´RE A MAMA LION, AND
YOU SEE A BABY CUB IN DISTRESS,
YOU INSTINCTIVELY MOVE TO HELP.
>> [SCOFFS]
>> YOU NEED TO BE TOLD
THE TRUTH.
>> MMM. AND WHAT MIGHT THAT BE?
>> SEAN DOESN´T LOVE YOU.
AND HE NEVER WILL.
>> [SCOFFS] AND YOU KNOW ALL
THIS BECAUSE?
>> BECAUSE THERE´S NOTHING HE
DOESN´T TELL ME. THE MALES OF
OUR SPECIES ARE JUST SILLY,
SELFISH, PREENING FOOLS, WHICH
YOU WILL COME TO UNDERSTAND.
>> [CHUCKLES]
MY GOSH.
OH. YOU´RE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH
SEAN. [CHUCKLES]
YOU´RE A DESPERATE OLD BAG WHO
HAS A PATHETIC CRUSH ON HER
CLIENT. WHAT A CLICHE.
>> OH, PLEASE. THE WHOLE WORLD
IS IN LOVE WITH SEAN. THAT´S NOT
THE POINT.
>> WHAT IS THE POINT, COLLEEN?
>> I HEARD SEAN AND AIDAN
TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY LIKE TO
PASS YOU AROUND AND HOW YOU´RE
QUICKLY BECOMING THE TOWN PUMP.
AND THEY SAID IT IN FRONT OF
A LOT OF CREWMEN. IT WAS
DISGUSTING, ESPECIALLY ONE GRIP
WHO SAID, "I´D LIKE A PIECE OF
THAT WHORE." AND SEAN AND AIDAN
LAUGHED AND SAID, "WE CAN MAKE
THAT HAPPEN. SHE´LL SCREW
ANYBODY."
HE´S USING YOU, HONEY, ALL
RIGHT? SO HE CAN FEEL YOUNG AND
VIABLE. THAT´S ALL.
>> HE SAID HE HAD FEELINGS FOR
ME.
>> YEAH, FEELINGS FOR YOUR SWEET
SUGAR TITS, MAYBE. NOT FOR YOU.
LOOK, I WENT TO YOUR DEFENSE.
I SAID, "SHE´S JUST A BABY."
AND THEY SHOULD START LOOKING AT
WOMEN THEIR OWN AGE. BUT THAT´S
OUR SICK SOCIETY FOR YOU.
>> [SCOFFS]
YOU´RE A LIAR.
>> YOU LOOK AT ME, HONEY...
AND TELL ME YOU REALLY THINK
I´M LYING.
>> [WHISTLING]
HEY, YOU. HOW´S YOUR TV SHOW
GOING?
>> SINCE WHEN DO YOU WANT TO
HEAR ABOUT THE SHOW? HMM?
>> DESPITE WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK,
SEAN, I DON´T NEED FOR YOU TO
FAIL IN ORDER FOR ME TO BE
HAPPY. I WISH YOU MANY YEARS OF
SUCCESS ON YOUR LITTLE TV SHOW.
>> SPOKEN WITH INCREDIBLE
CONDESCENSION.
>> NOT AT ALL. I HAVE A GREAT
RESPECT FOR THE MEDIA. IT´S NOT
FINE ART, BUT IT DOESN´T PRETEND
TO BE, AND IF IT´S AN OUTLET FOR
YOUR CREATIVE ENERGIES--
>> YOU´RE DOING THAT SMUG THING
AGAIN.
>> OH.
>> WHENEVER SOMETHING NICE
HAPPENS TO YOU, YOU BECOME
THE CAT THAT ATE THE CANARY SO
YOU CAN BASK IN YOUR 5 MINUTES
OF SUPERIORITY AS LONG AS
POSSIBLE.
>> I´M NOT BASKING IN ANYTHING.
I´M JUST FEELING NEWLY INSPIRED.
I´M LOOKING AT MY JOB IN A NEW
LIGHT, LIKE A FORM OF
SELF-EXPRESSION, TRUE ART.
IT´S LIKE I´M MICHELANGELO...
WITH A 10 BLADE.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
>> HELLO?
>> SEAN? BLISS. YOU HAVE TO MEET
ME AT HOLLYWOOD AND HIGHLAND.
>> WHY? IS THERE A SALE? BLISS,
IT´S THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
>> LOOK, I DON´T GIVE A SHIT
WHAT TIME IT IS, OK? THIS IS
AN EMERGENCY. YOUR CAREER AND
YOUR REPUTATION DEPEND ON IT.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
>> HMM.
ALL RIGHT. I HAVE TO GO.
BLISS IS HAVING A MELTDOWN OR
SOMETHING.
[PLATE CLINKS]
>> LISTEN, MICHELANGELO, I´M
GLAD YOU´RE FEELING INSPIRED,
BUT JUST REMEMBER--
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A PLASTIC SURGEON AND A SCULPTOR
IS THE MARBLE DOESN´T SUE IF
YOU SCREW IT UP.
>> [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
>> THERE WE GO.
>> YUMMY-YUM.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> [INDISTINCT]
>> OH, NOW, YOU DON´T NEED
THAT--
>> LADIES.
>> OH! HOW IS SHE?
SHE CAN´T EVEN TALK UNDER ALL
THOSE BANDAGES.
>> I MEAN, WE TALK AND WE TALK,
AND SHE JUST NODS. IT´S LIKE
DINNER WITH MY HUSBAND.
>> [LAUGHTER]
>> AWW.
>> ♫ SHE´S SITTING WITH YOU,
BUT HER EYES ARE ON THE DOOR ♫
♫ OH, HERE SHE COMES... ♫
>> I THINK YOU´RE GOING TO LIKE
WHAT YOU SEE.
>> LULU!
>> ♫ OH, HERE SHE COMES,
SHE´S A MAN-EATER,
OH, HERE SHE COMES ♫
>> OH.
>> ♫ OH, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT,
WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT,
OH, HERE SHE COMES-- ♫
[BANGS]
>> JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?
>> OH! YOU´RE JEALOUS.
LET ME SEE.
>> [CLEARS THROAT]
>> OH. OH, I LOVE IT. OH,
I WORSHIP IT. [GASPS]
[HISSING]
I´M A HOT LITTLE PUSSY NOW.
>> SHIT. SHE´S OFF HER MEDS.
>> WHAT?
>> MEDS?
>> [SCOFFS] SHE´S BI-POLAR.
JESUS, A WOMAN ASKS YOU TO TURN
HER INTO FRISKY, AND YOU DON´T
SUSPECT THERE´S SOMETHING
SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER?
>> YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU HAVE TOO
MUCH DICK AND NOT ENOUGH BRAINS.
>> I CAN FIX THIS.
>> YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER, OR
YOU´RE GOING TO BE GIVING NOSE
JOBS TO HOMELESS WOMEN ON
SHITTER´S ALLEY.
>> COME ON, GIRLS. WE´RE OUT OF
HERE.
>> OUGHT TO BE SHOT.
>> [SIGHS]
>> COME ON.
>> [CLEARS THROAT]
>> HOLLYWOOD AND HIGHLAND? "A,"
WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE DOING
OUT HERE? AND "B," I DON´T
BELIEVE YOU.
>> OK. THE CHANEL MAKEUP WAS
75 OFF, AND I LOVE A GOOD SALE.
SO SUE ME. NOW, I KNOW THIS
SEEMS SHOCKING AND TERRIBLE, BUT
I CAN SPIN IT--IT IS SO GOOD.
LIKE, "VANITY FAIR" GOOD.
"POSING AS A POWER PLAYER AMONG
HOLLYWOOD´S ELITE, SHE WAS
DESPERATELY HIDING A SECRET LIFE
OF TALKING BEARS AND
INTERACTIONS WITH HIDEOUS VALLEY
TODDLERS."
>> [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
>> WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME A MINUTE,
PLEASE?
>> COLLEEN, WHAT´S GOING ON?
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
>> IT´S MY NIECE´S KIOSK, AND
I´M JUST FILLING IN ´CAUSE SHE
WAS SICK. WHY? IS THAT WRONG?
>> AND THE LIES JUST KEEP ON
COMING. THIS ISN´T YOUR SECOND
JOB, COLLEEN--IT´S YOUR ONLY
JOB. I CHECKED WITH MALL
SECURITY. YOU´RE HERE, ON
AVERAGE, 8 HOURS A DAY.
>> WHY DON´T YOU JUST BUTT OUT,
YOU STUPID LITTLE BARBIE DOLL?
>> OH, I KNEW THERE WAS
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. I JUST
KNEW IT! YOU´RE JUST A SAD
LITTLE NOBODY WITH A GOOD SCAM.
>> YEAH, WELL, WHO THE HELL ARE
YOU TO CRITICIZE ME FOR HAVING
2 JOBS? WHAT, DID YOU EVER LACK
FOR ATTENTION?
>> OK, JUST SPARE US THE STURM
UND DRANG, HONEY, OK? I CHECKED
THE ENTIRE DATABASE OF LICENSED
AGENTS, AND YOU´RE NOT ANYWHERE.
YOU NEVER WERE AS FAR BACK
AS ´85.
>> YOU LIED ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.
THAT´S UNFORGIVABLE. I DON´T
CARE HOW HARD YOU WORKED.
I TRUSTED YOU.
>> DOES THAT MEAN THE FACT THAT
I GOT YOU THE LEAD IN "HEARTS
AND SCALPELS" MEANS NOTHING TO
YOU? WHY, BECAUSE I DON´T HAVE
THE RIGHT PIECE OF PAPER?
>> DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY OTHER
CLIENTS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER CLIENTS?
>> YOU´RE SCARING ME.
I WON´T HAVE YOU TALK TO ME THIS
WAY WHEN I TREATED YOU WITH
RESPECT.
I DESERVE RESPECT, TOO.
>> COLLEEN, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE
ME ALONE NOW. NO CALLS, NO
VISITS, NOTHING. THIS IS THE END
OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. DO YOU
UNDERSTAND?
>> HOW DID YOU EVEN GET ON
THE LOT, ANYWAY? THE TOUR?
>> WHY? WHY ME?
>> DON´T EVEN ASK, SEAN, OK?
SHE´S CLEARLY DEMENTED.
COME ON.
>> [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
>> [WHIMPERS]
>> [GRUNTS]
[SNIFFS]
YOU KNOW I DON´T LIKE IT WHEN
YOU DO THAT, MAMA.
>> DON´T START WITH ME ABOUT
WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE,
NOT UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO START
COMPLAINING.
>> YOU KNOW...
I THINK YOU´RE THE CAT´S
PAJAMAS.
BUT THIS IS BUSINESS.
THAT´S WHY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
YOU´RE A HOT, SEXY WOMAN WHO
ALSO UNDERSTANDS THE BUSINESS
SIDE OF MY LIFE...
THE REWARDS...
PRESSURES.
>> I GET IT.
JUST DON´T HAVE TO LIKE IT.
[CLATTERS]
>> HI.
>> HI. [GRUNTS]
>> HOW´S MY BABY DOING?
>> GOOD.
>> YEAH?
>> HMM.
>> WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.
[GRUNTS]
[MONITOR BEEPING]
>> [RESPIRATING]
>> GO AHEAD. SAY IT.
[METAL CLANGS]
>> I KNOW YOU WANT TO.
FINE. I´M AN IDIOT, OK?
>> AND?
>> AND WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO GET
ON MY KNEES? I´M SORRY.
>> AND JUST SO WE DON´T GET
SUED, THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE
COMES IN HERE WITH AN OUTRAGEOUS
REQUEST, YOU´LL DOUBLE-CHECK
THEIR BACKGROUND FIRST.
>> LIKE YOU RESEARCHED COLLEEN?
>> THAT´S DIFFERENT.
>> HOW? SHE CAME INTO YOUR
OFFICE, BLEW SMOKE UP YOUR ASS,
AND YOU HANDED HER YOUR CAREER,
NO QUESTIONS ASKED. HMM?
>> YOU´RE RIGHT. DAMN, IT FELT
GOOD, THOUGH, GETTING MY EGO
STROKED LIKE THAT.
>> IT´S A MENTAL BLOWJOB. YOU
CAN SIT BACK, RELAX, LET THEM DO
THE WORK WHILE YOU GET OFF.
>> IT´S ADDICTING, THOUGH. I
FEEL LIKE I´M IN WITHDRAWAL.
>> YOU GOT WORSE PROBLEMS THAN
THAT, MY FRIEND. YOU THINK
YOU´RE AN ACTOR.
[SURF ROARING]
>> [SIGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
COLLEEN?
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
I´M CALLING 911.
[CELL PHONE DIALING]
>> [WHISPERS] I think that´s
a good idea.